If your partner is accepting of this conversation, they may just appreciate you offering to be there when they need you. Ideally, they could ask you to help them change their drinking habits and replace them with more constructive ones. If they are receptive to changing their behaviour, offer encouragement and enthusiasm to help with this. You may find though that your partner wants to do it alone. What ever they need from you, tell them you’ll be there.
How To Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking
Beverley Stewart • June 4, 2023
How To Talk With Your Partner About Their Drinking?
If you’ve decided that you should talk with your partner about their drinking (read here to help with this decision), then you’ve taken the first step in helping your partner make some positive changes. But how do you start a personal and sensitive conversation like this one? How do you show your concern without bringing about anger, denial, sorrow, or shame? Below are some useful strategies to help you initiate the conversation you know you need to have.
Rehearsal
You might find yourself rehearsing the conversation in your head over and over, getting some structure to your thoughts. That’s a good way to prepare. But once the conversation starts, don’t worry about it being as you’d planned. Be natural and be yourself. The important thing is to let your partner know that it’s just the two of you talking, and it’s private, and you’re bringing it up out of love and concern.
Be Prepared for Emotions
The conversation will steer itself and you may find many emotions surfacing. These can be challenging to deal with. They could be your own emotions based on your own opinions, experience and values, or your partner’s feelings about whether or not your concerns are valid, and whether they’re being judged. The way you approach the conversation will definitely affect the outcomes so ensure it comes from a place of genuine concern and love.
Request
Introduce the conversation by sharing that you have a problem (you’re worried), and that you’d like to discuss if it’s a convenient time. This let’s your partner know that it’s you that is seeking support, and it respectfully asks if it’s ok with them to talk about it now.
Eg. ‘Hey Babe, I want to talk about something that’s been worrying me recently, is this a good time to chat?’
Use “I Statements”
These should be used throughout your conversation. They ensure that your partner understands what’s happening for you. But more importantly, starting the sentence with “I” helps you share your troubling feelings without your partner feeling blamed. You are taking responsibility for your own feelings and thinking.
Eg. "I'm worried about you because I love you, and when you drink rather than coming to bed, I feel lonely, and I get worried about you feeling sick in the morning, and maybe missing work."
Be Specific
Don’t generalize about what you’ve witnessed in terms of your partner’s drinking behaviour eg. “You’re always drinking”. This is inaccurate and not helpful. Be specific about what you’ve seen, when, where, how much, etc. Bringing specifics to their attention may increase awareness about something they’d not noticed. Also, specifics cannot be dismissed or disputed so easily. By referring to specific situations, your partner is also less likely to be defensive than if you make sweeping generalisations about their overall behaviour.
Remain Calm
If your partner raises their voice, don’t do the same. Keep a controlled and measured pattern of speech. Breathe slowly. By doing this your partner may subconsciously mirror you, and this can assist if they are surprised by the discussion and feel defensive.
Be Non-Judgmental
Don’t judge your partner’s behaviour. Don’t allow blame, complaints, or accusations to enter into the conversation. This isn’t a forum to share your discontent. It’s an opportunity to tell your partner how much you love them, and how much you’re worried about what’s happening.
Don’t attack
Casting dispersions on your partner’s personal values, or on them as a person, is not going to achieve anything. Character assassination is not going to be of any help here, it will only put your partner on the defensive. The objective is to ensure your partner feels loved and supported – not ambushed.
Listen
It’s VITAL that you listen to your partner’s responses. Try to understand their point of view. If you don’t listen, you don’t know their perspective. This will also end the discussion with no progress having been made. Showing compassion and support is one of the most important things you can do at this stage. And you can only do that by listening.
State your objectives
Tell your partner what you want from the conversation. Let your partner know what outcome you want from discussing this.
Eg “I just want to make sure you’re ok. And I want you to know that I’m here for you, and if you want my help in any way, you just tell me.”
Ask what they need
Keep in Mind
Don’t forget this conversation is about you sharing your concerns and offering support if needed. Keep the following in mind:
- Make sure you’re non-confrontational.
- Be kind.
- Don’t approach things from an “I know best” stance.
- Be honest about how you feel and be respectful in how you speak.
- Use open ended questions so they can fully share their thoughts and feelings. (How? What?, etc).
- Watch your own body language to make sure you come across as open and caring.
- Keep your tone of voice positive and caring.
Remember
- Reliance on alcohol isn’t a choice. There can be many reasons for developing an alcohol problem. So don’t feel superior, lecture or be judgmental.
- You can’t change someone else and often the harder you try to do that, the more they won’t budge.
- Everyone in life wants to feel that they are respected, accepted and that their views are heard. This includes your partner.
Revisit
You may find that your partner doesn’t share your point of view concerning their drinking. That’s ok. You’ve made your concerns known. You explained that it’s out of love that you raised this, and you offered your ongoing support. You’ve planted a seed and your partner may silently ponder what you’ve said in the days ahead. When they feel there may be an element of truth in your observations, they’ll know that they can talk with you about it, and that you’re fully supportive of them.
If you feel it’s appropriate, be brave again and re-initiate the conversation. It’s a conversation that you may have to have several times before your partner acknowledges they’ve got a problem. The most important thing though is that you continually have the conversation from a position of concern, love and support.
Be Kind To Yourself
Taking action and discussing something you’re concerned about was a brave move, and one that was necessary. Talking about something so personal can be draining too. You did a good thing. Know that your genuine concern will be appreciated – it not today, then soon. Draw strength from the fact that you did what you thought was right, and for all the right reasons. Good job!
You’re Not Alone
Even if your partner isn’t ready to address their drinking issues, there are support services available for those (like you) who are dealing with a partner who has a problem. Counsellors and support groups can help you examine how the situation is affecting you and your relationship.
More information about getting support for Relationship Issues is available here. Also see Addiction Services here for more details about how counselling can help when your partner is ready to make some positive changes. If you’re interested in finding out more about individual counselling to help you get through this, click here for a free phone chat about your unique situation.
Important
Having this difficult conversation can cause discomfort, and in some situations, could lead to emotions of anger and resentment. If alcohol is bringing out a darker side to your partner and you don’t feel your concerns will be taken seriously, or it will bring about major conflict, think carefully about how to proceed. If this is the case, we recommend you seek advice from others to help you access the situation and formulate an appropriate plan to get your partner the support they need.
If abuse has been present in your relationship, be very cautious and seek professional support. Obviously if children are involved, always ensure their emotional and physical safety are maintained at all times. Contact numbers for crisis situations are listed on FAQ page here.
In The End ...
If you’ve talked with your partner out of love, with respect and genuine concern, they will appreciate this. They’ll know you’re acting from your heart. If initially you don’t get the outcome you’d hoped for, at least you did what you thought was right. And if your partner does acknowledge that their drinking needs to change, you can work together to address this, and get things back on track. Remember to always be there to support, not confront. Your relationship will now be all the better, thanks to you for initiating this tough conversation.
Coercive control is a concerning and growing issue in Australia - and it matters to all of us. But what is it really? Here we provide a definition, examine behaviours, and identify the signs. We also look at the effects coercive control can have, and what we can do about it.
Ever wondered if you get less fun in your life than everyone else? You're not alone. Find the reasons behind this misconception.. It might just help you have more fun!
Finding the silver lining in negative situations is a skill we can all develop. It's not easy at first, but it's a good habit to have. You can learn to see the positives around you and enjoy a more rewarding life - it just takes a little effort.
From time to time we all want to change who we are. Yes we can change. Even our personality can be transformed. But if we want to change we need a plan, passion, optimism , and a lot of hard work.
Life is short we're told. Coming to that realisation can affect us all in different ways. It can create anxiety, a sense of urgency, regret, and make us question how we should spend our remaining time. If life is short - how do we live our best life?
Emotions play a big role in how we respond to situations when we feel life isn't fair. Recognising and accepting that these emotions are valid is part of the process that helps us move through life's challenges and bounce back with more positivity.
Yes - bad stuff happens to good people. It's no wonder many of us think life isn't fair. Despite believing there is some natural law that should make things fair, society and psychology contribute more than anything to this feeling of unfairness.
Loneliness has become a worldwide issue. Learning more about loneliness and it's association with suicidal thoughts can help you better navigate this challenge, or show you how to help someone you know who is struggling.
Understanding the connection between loneliness and depression can help us better manage our situation. The relationship is often unclear so here we learn about similarities, differences and the cycle that can develop.
Looking for change in the New Year? Here are 3 fun and creative tools to help ensure this year is one of personal growth and new beginnings. Maybe even a New Me!