What Does Anxiety Really Feel Like?
My Fault
“I felt like I was under a darkness. A cloud was around me and everything felt gray and there was a coldness in the world. I felt heavy in my heart. I felt hopeless and helpless. My thoughts told me I didn’t deserve life. My thoughts directed their bitterness towards me. Told me I was not good enough; I’d made catastrophic errors, and everything was my fault. A stream of negative judgements were flung at me – by me. I judged myself harshly and took the blame for everything that would happen. I couldn’t escape this negativity. The more I tried, the more the thoughts grew. I told myself to think happy thoughts, but that felt ridiculous. The hopelessness had engulfed me and I was scared.”
My Disguise
“From the outside people think I’m ok. I dress well, have a career, friends and a family. But no one knows the demons that live inside me. These are the most powerful enemies – the ones you can’t see. And that makes it even harder. No one understands what it’s like to be me. People think if you can’t see it – it’s not there. I smile, grin, and bear it because no one likes talking about the bad stuff - like the feeling that all the cells in my body are racing, like my heart beat and my breathing are out of control – but no one else knows. There can be buzzing in my ears, I don’t even realise I’m grinding my teeth and cracking my knuckles, I’m fidgeting and tapping, and constantly playing with my jewelry. My leg shakes when I’m sitting, and the speed increases the more anxious I get.
I’ll avoid any eye contact because I’m scared I can’t find the right words to speak. My voice will be filled with insecurity, so I try to avoid conversation, hoping you won’t find out how tortured I am inside. Hoping you won’t see through my disguise.”
A Stalker
“I always feel like someone or something is watching me constantly every second of every day. Even in class as a kid, if someone looked slightly in my direction, I felt like they have their eyes on me and are judging me constantly. I can’t relax.”
The Fear
“I’m scared. All the time. I’m scared something bad is going to happen. I’m scared someone’s going to get hurt. I’m scared I’m going to die. I know it’s not rational, but there are all these thoughts in my head. It’s like they rise up and I can’t stop them. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”
Practicing
“I feel uncomfortable around anyone, even my family and I feel like I have to pretend. I get nervous about everything, even going out to the street. I overthink EVERYTHING and in case I have to interact with someone I practice for hours so I don’t mess up.”
No Reason
“I’m feeling all these feelings at once – and for no reason. There’s no problem, no life or death situation to make me feel like this. And that makes me feel crazy. Some days are better, some days are worse. But it’s day after day, and I wonder if my days will all be like this. I don’t want to be like this.”
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Can’t Win
“Having lots of free time to myself just made me feel closed off from the world. I start to overthink things. The alternative is being with people but then I begin to hyperventilate cause I feel that I’m suddenly the center of attention. I don’t like it when people are all around me. There’s just so many more things I go through every day that I have to cope with and sometimes I just feel utterly useless. When outside I look like a normal person, and it makes my parents think I’m just being over dramatic and over thinking things. They don’t get it.”
Can’t Think – Can’t Speak
“The words don’t come, and my thoughts are all over the place – they’re racing. And I’m not sure why? What just happened? Why is this happening? I can’t stop worrying about things. And I think if I do stop worrying – bad things will happen! I’m sure of it! I know everyone can see that there’s something wrong with me. What are they thinking about me? If anyone laughs, I think they’re laughing at me.”
In The End
Anxiety can feel like a monster that’s out of control. It’s unpredictable and it brings chaos. It inhibits normal functioning and, to make it worse, no one understands what you’re going through. Of course, it’s different for everyone. It can range from agitation and worry, to paralysis and fear of your own impending death. For those who have been lucky enough to live anxiety free, hopefully you’ll now know a little more about what 3.3million Australians go through daily.
Having chronic anxiety is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. It’s experienced by everyday people like you and me, and your family and friends. It’s something that’s difficult to comprehend by those experiencing it. It’s unpredictable and overwhelming. But it’s also something that can be worked on to make life more normal. You can gain some effective tools for managing anxiety, and you can also get help in exploring what’s buried deep that perpetuates it. Sometimes you need to make peace with the monster.
These stories were intended to increase your awareness about what anxiety feels like, and for those experiencing anxiety – hopefully, you feel less alone. Remember to be kind to yourself and each other – it WILL help.
