Blog Layout

How Stonewalling Ruins Your Relationship

Beverley Stewart • July 23, 2023

How Stonewalling Ruins Your Relationship


Open and honest communication is a key component to a successful relationship. Stonewalling stops that. Here we identify the two different types of stonewalling, and how to identify whether it’s present in your relationship. 



What is Stonewalling?


Some of us aren’t exactly sure what “stonewalling” is. You might better know it as “the silent treatment”. It’s when one partner becomes unavailable to the other by disengaging from communication and emotional intimacy. It can also include being dismissive of what the other says, claiming your partner is being unreasonable, boring or that your perspective is trivial. Stonewalling can cause us to feel invalidated and disrespected. We are made to feel neglected and abandoned, and that our partner doesn’t value our feelings or perspective. It causes pain and ongoing distrust in the relationship. Used strategically, stonewalling can be a form of emotional abuse that’s used to manipulate one’s partner and gain (or maintain) control.


According to research by Dr. John Gottman, stonewalling can be an indicator of a relationship doomed to fail. Gottman also found that 85% of stonewallers are male. This is due to their more intense physiological response to stress when in situations of conflict. Stonewalling is then often used as a way to protect from emotional flooding. Unfortunately, this only makes the situation worse.



Types of Stonewalling


There are two types of stonewalling, one innocent and one abusive.


(1)       Unintentional Stonewalling


This occurs when a partner needs to create space to cool off during an argument. Some people have difficulty with their emotions in times of conflict and may retreat into silence to give themselves space to better respond to the situation. It can become a defense mechanism that’s activated when we feel overwhelmed by difficult emotions – when our nervous system perceives a fight or flight response is required. Withdrawing from the conflict is a way to temporarily avoid uncomfortable feelings.


Later, after emotions have subsided, we return to the discussion, and our partner is reassured that the issue and their perspective are important. Returning to the discussion more calmly with the intention of finding resolution, signifies that breaking communication was well meaning.


(2)     Intentional Stonewalling 


This is a calculated action used as a means of control, to put you in your place, and exert power. For some it may have originated during childhood as an immature negative habit used by the child to get what they wanted. It can also occur as a result of feelings of inadequacy around a person’s ability to successfully communicate during conflict situations. In this case shutting down becomes a way of fighting back when we don’t feel we have the skills to win the argument.


For those on the receiving end of intentional stonewalling, it can increase our levels of stress, anxiety and depression. Obviously, this can also affect our physical wellbeing. It can cause us to feel isolated, our self esteem and sense of belonging plummet, we’ll feel out of control, worthless, and desperate to please our partner so we can return to our “normal” relationship. It erodes trust between partners and all sense of safety is gone. This intentional stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and can be very destructive.

Behaviours Indicating Intentional Stonewalling


Being aware of the signs of the manipulative form of stonewalling can help us defend ourselves from further emotional, mental and physical harm. If you believe your partner is intentionally stonewalling, check to see if any of these behaviours are present:


  1. Your partner frequently cuts off communication for extended periods of time.
  2. There may be complete refusal to engage in conversation, or only physical gestures, or one word responses given
  3. Avoidance of eye contact
  4. Changing the subject
  5. Physically leaving the room
  6. Responding passive aggressively or using sarcasm as a response
  7. Your partner decides when communication will recommence. Usually this is after you have apologized or given into their demands.
  8. Your partner communicates with others - but not you.  They will also attempt to get others on their side of the argument and take on the role of the victim.
  9. Your partner intends that their refusal to communicate will make you feel guilty, isolated and responsible for the situation.
  10. As a result of the stonewalling, you change your behaviour and meet their demands.




In The End ....

Stonewalling can be very destructive within a relationship. Without communication and emotional intimacy between partners, there is little foundation to build upon. Stonewalling can cause feelings of hurt, isolation and affect ongoing self-esteem. Sometimes, it can come from a place of emotional overwhelm, or inadequacy relating to a person’s capacity to communicate. Or stonewalling can be an intentional means of manipulation and control – this is emotional abuse. If you’re a victim of intentional and emotionally abusive stonewalling, you will need to reassess your relationship and decide whether your partner is really the one you want to be with.


To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here, or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry. 

What is Coercive Control and Why Does It Matter?

By Beverley Stewart • July 7, 2024
Coercive control is a concerning and growing issue in Australia - and it matters to all of us. But what is it really? Here we provide a definition, examine behaviours, and identify the signs. We also look at the effects coercive control can have, and what we can do about it.

Is Everyone Having More Fun Than Me?

By Beverley Stewart • March 3, 2024
Ever wondered if you get less fun in your life than everyone else? You're not alone. Find the reasons behind this misconception.. It might just help you have more fun!

How To Find The Silver Lining In Negative Situations

By Beverley Stewart • February 25, 2024
Finding the silver lining in negative situations is a skill we can all develop. It's not easy at first, but it's a good habit to have. You can learn to see the positives around you and enjoy a more rewarding life - it just takes a little effort.

Can I Change Who I Am?

By Beverley Stewart • February 18, 2024
From time to time we all want to change who we are. Yes we can change. Even our personality can be transformed. But if we want to change we need a plan, passion, optimism , and a lot of hard work.

Realising Life Is Short

By Beverley Stewart • February 11, 2024
Life is short we're told. Coming to that realisation can affect us all in different ways. It can create anxiety, a sense of urgency, regret, and make us question how we should spend our remaining time. If life is short - how do we live our best life?

Life Isn't Fair - The Emotions We Feel

By Beverley Stewart • February 4, 2024
Emotions play a big role in how we respond to situations when we feel life isn't fair. Recognising and accepting that these emotions are valid is part of the process that helps us move through life's challenges and bounce back with more positivity.

Life Isn't Fair!

By Beverley Stewart • January 28, 2024
Yes - bad stuff happens to good people. It's no wonder many of us think life isn't fair. Despite believing there is some natural law that should make things fair, society and psychology contribute more than anything to this feeling of unfairness.

How Does Loneliness Affect Mental Health - Suicidal Thoughts

By Beverley Stewart • January 21, 2024
Loneliness has become a worldwide issue. Learning more about loneliness and it's association with suicidal thoughts can help you better navigate this challenge, or show you how to help someone you know who is struggling.

The Relationship Between Loneliness and Depression

By Beverley Stewart • January 14, 2024
Understanding the connection between loneliness and depression can help us better manage our situation. The relationship is often unclear so here we learn about similarities, differences and the cycle that can develop.

New Year - New Me?

By Beverley Stewart • January 7, 2024
Looking for change in the New Year? Here are 3 fun and creative tools to help ensure this year is one of personal growth and new beginnings. Maybe even a New Me!
More Posts
Share by: