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How to Have a Healthy Relationship Break

Beverley Stewart • July 16, 2023

How to Have a Healthy Relationship Break

So, your relationship has been struggling. You’ve both agreed to take a break. It’s important you now use the time apart constructively. Here we explore some beneficial strategies for making the best use of this break. The goal is to use this time to strengthen your relationship, rather than having it be a prelude to an “It’s over” conversation.


All relationships have highs and lows. The pressure of our day to day life, our job, kids, parents, health …. it can all lead to struggles within the relationship. There can be a breakdown in communication, trust, and conflict can be the result. As things start to unravel, the idea of a temporary break might seem a good idea. Getting some time out may allow us to get a better perspective and renewed positivity. 


Understandably, most couples will find taking a break a very emotional and challenging experience. Even the thought of taking a break can fill some of us with dread and cause alarm bells. The following tips will hopefully make it an easier process, and will be beneficial in helping you reach the outcome you both want.



Before your Relationship Break


Be open in your communication! Honesty is vital. There is no point being anything but honest about what you’re feeling and what you need. Your partner needs to understand your perspective and why you see the need for a break. Your partner also needs to be aware of what your expectations are – what do you want out of this break? What are the goal and outcomes you both want? Also make sure you’ve agreed on what boundaries you will both stick to. For example, relationships with other people, communication between you both, or what you’re telling friends or children. Be clear so that there’s no confusion. And don’t forget that you need to LISTEN to your partner to ensure you are both on the same page.



During your Relationship Break

 

1) Cool Off


Get some space not just from your partner, but also from the relationship issues. When we’re in conflict situations, our brains can get taken over by emotion and it’s then difficult to have clarity on the issues. Decisions are best made when you feel well within yourself, not when you are full of insecurity fear, or rage.  While taking a break, you’re not on each other’s radar, so you can have space to breath, collect your thoughts, settle your emotions, and relax.



2) Use Break Time Effectively


Be productive with this time you have apart. Consider the part that you are playing in the relationship and address any issues you feel you can work on. This is a good time for self-reflection and personal growth. There’s never been a better time to grab a self help book or watch some quality documentaries about building solid relationships.



3) Keep your Goals in Mind


This break isn’t a holiday. There are reasons behind it and goals you’ve both agreed you want to achieve. If these are not your focus – the break is not going to be of any help to your relationship. Stay focused on your goals and ensure you are working towards positive outcomes.




4) Tackle the Issues


Your overall goal for this break should be about improving your relationship. You now have time to think, focus and get creative.  A break can give you both time to consider your issues more objectively, without the emotion or conflict arising when you’re together.


You should be able to come up with some new coping strategies to help with the problems you’ve been experiencing.  Space will allow you to expand your ideas about how to deal with what’s not working. You can gain new and more positive perspectives on your issues (and each other) when you’re not actively involved in conflict.


5) Feel What it’s Like to be on Your Own


This break is an opportunity for you both to get a feel for what it’s like to not be a couple. You can experience what it’s like to be on your own, without having to always consider the needs and wants of the other. You’ll be making decisions, plans and dinner for yourself.  If you’ve been together for a long time, this can be hard. Maybe you’ll miss the little things like conversation, your routines, their snoring. Or maybe you’ll find it empowering to be on your own. Notice what you like and what you don’t. This is important information you can share with your partner when you reunite.



6) Time with Family and Friends


Our relationships sometimes see us disconnecting from our family and friends. This break is a great time to engage again with those that we care about. Solidifying these connections can also help us feel less alone during this period. 


You might even decide to share your relationship situation with those that you trust. This can help you to gain additional points of view about things you’re feeling uncertain about. Friends and family can help you reevaluate what’s important to you and allow you to identify whether you’re relationship is in line with your values and life goals. But don’t be convinced by others that they know best. Trust your own instincts. You know yourself and your relationship best, so trust YOU first.

7) Ongoing Communication


Taking a break doesn’t mean you have to cut off all communication. You might both agree to have regular phone chats, or catch up for coffee. You might even reach a point where you’d like to go on a date! Yes – with your partner! You might feel nervous and excited like when you first met. It can be special again.



This ongoing communication is also important from a neuroscience perspective. The neural pathways in our brain will change if we cease contact entirely. Like muscles that aren’t used, our brain networks reduce in size if not regularly exercised through contact. This will cause us to feel less close to our partner.  Communication or connection of some sort is needed to maintain some level of attachment.



8) Re-Awaken your Love


There is an old saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” During your break you will hopefully think a lot about your partner, and maybe look back on the path you’ve been on together. Perhaps you’ll start to appreciate all those positive attributes of your partner. You’ll remind yourself about the happy romantic days when you first met, the tough times you’ve been through together, and remember all the reasons you love each other. You’ll recognize the valuable part you play in each other’s lives. You’ll feel the spark again and rekindle the longing for affection that you’ve been missing. You might come to the realization that you can’t live without one another.


(There is also another old saying “Out of sight, out of mind.”)



9) Learn about Yourself


Often you can lose sight of who you are when you’ve become enmeshed in your relationship. This break can help you figure out who you are again, help you regain your sense of sanity if you’ve been feeling lost. Sorting out your problems requires you to have a strong understanding of your own needs, wants, and values in life. Self-reflection will help you get back on track with your personal sense of identity and purpose. Feeling more in touch with yourself will be beneficial in your ongoing relationship. 

 10) Take Care of Yourself


During your break from each other, stay involved in activities that you enjoy and that help you relax. Sport and exercise are good for your mind and body. Or maybe you might enjoy reading, meditation, spending time in the outdoors, or with family and friends. Now might be the time to start Zumba!, take a photography class, or learn to cook like a MasterChef. Make time for yourself so you can come back to your relationship refreshed and with a sense of balance. All this “You Time” isn’t self-indulgent. It will build your positivity, and consequently improve your relationship. 


 

11) Ask for Help


During a relationship break you can feel very isolated. Ensure you surround yourself with family and friends for emotional support. You might also consider getting some professional support from a therapist to help you work through your issues. Sometimes a professional, who is distant from you and your relationship, can see other perspectives. They can also provide you with a safe space to unload what you can’t share with others.


In The End ....

Taking a relationship break isn’t about running away from your problems. It can actually be a useful tool for helping a strained relationship. Perspectives can change and clarity can be gained when you have some distance between you. Space can give you new insights and help you find ways of making it work. Having time apart also allows you to reflect on what you want in your life. It can help you remember how much you love your partner and how important it is that you be together. When all is said and done, you’ll know whether you want to give it another go.


To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here, or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry. 

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