If you’ve realised that your partner has severed communication as a means of control, keep the following in mind:

1. Don’t get angry because it makes the situation worse

2. Don’t beg or plead. This will only encourage your partner to continue their abusive behaviour until they get what they want.

3. Don’t apologize just to end it if you did nothing wrong. This only teaches your partner that their abusive behaviour gets them the results they want. 

4. Avoid doing anything that signals to your partner that it’s acceptable to treat you like this.

5. Set yourself clear boundaries about the behaviour you will - and will not - tolerate from your partner. Setting limits is a good way to defend yourself against ongoing manipulation. If you feel the boundaries have been reached, calmly end your attempts at communication, letting your partner know that you’re willing to discuss the issue when your partner is ready to engage again.  

6. Maintain contact with friends and family so you don’t feel isolated and alone.

7. Emotional abuse is exhausting and emotionally draining. Engage in self care that helps to reduce stress hormones eg. exercise, relaxation, hobbies, socializing, creativity, sleep and nutrition.  Be kind to yourself.

8. Seek therapy to help restore self esteem, build resilience, develop coping strategies, feel more empowered, and work through dilemmas.

9. Know that you are not responsible for the behaviour of others, and you do not deserve what is happening.

If you believe stonewalling is being used intentionally as a means of abuse and control, you need to stand your ground. Understand that you are not responsible or to blame for your partner’s toxic actions and that you have done nothing wrong. The important thing you need to do is recognize that your partner is being emotionally abusive. Then ask yourself if you think the relationship is really worth salvaging.

If you find that it’s YOU that often needs to walk away and close off, there are ways you can improve the situation.  The following suggestions might be helpful:

• If you feel overwhelmed, ask for a pause in the conversation – a timeout while you deal with your emotions.  “I need to process things, will you allow me 2 hours?” Both partners can then relax before refocusing without feeling so frustrated.  But make sure you have agreed on a time frame.

• Know that your relationship is a safe space to discuss things. Neither partner should feel they are being attacked.

• Work on your communication and conflict resolution skills. Learn to communicate in a positive and always respectful way. Listen to your partner and acknowledge their feelings and perspectives. Use “I” statements so that your partner doesn’t feel they are being blamed. 

• Self care is important. Physiological self-soothing has been proven to get people to return to the discussion in a more respectful and rational way. Try deep breathing, and grounding techniques. Go for a walk outside while being mindful of your surroundings. Calming techniques help us prevent our negative emotions from hijacking us during conflict situations

• Look more closely at why you walk away.  Ask yourself “What’s frightening for me about this type of conflict?” Your fears may be based on past experiences and exaggerated fears which aren’t relevant to this current situation. You could be simply reacting to distorted thinking.  Recognizing this will allow you to more quickly rejoin the discussion. 

• Try therapy to assist with your communication skills, emotional regulation and unhelpful thought patterns.