It’s important in life that we have someone that we can trust.  If you’re finding that you trust your co-worker or friend more than you trust you’re partner, you need to re-think the reason behind that, and whether you’re happy being in a relationship where trust is not a core component.

Many things can cause a lack (or loss) of trust in your partner.  It could be associated with a betrayal and cheating, other problematic behaviours, or perhaps frequent lying is present.  It could also be that mental health issues, low self esteem, anxiety, trauma, childhood attachment issues or differing values are behind a lack of trust.  Whatever the cause, it can result in a relationship that feels void of any closeness.  It is possible to rebuild trust, but you both need to be committed to doing that, and being in the relationship going forward.

Restoring trust in each other is possible but it takes work and time.  Initially it’s important to acknowledge to each other that trust is not present.  Expressing your feelings and being vulnerable is the first step in letting your walls down to let your partner in.  Hopefully, once they experience this from you, they will reciprocate and share their own insecurities with you.  From this point you can talk about what you’d like for the relationship and develop some strategies for rebuilding trust between you.  

Try the following actions to repair broken trust

(1) Make time to talk. Check your partner can give their undivided attention (no mobiles).

(2) Communicate your thoughts and feelings openly with your partner.  Show your vulnerability. Be transparent about what you’re thinking and feeling. Let your partner know how this lack of trust is affecting you and your feelings about the relationship.  

(3) Tell your partner what you need.  Be open about where you want the relationship to go. 

(4) Get a shared understanding about what “trust” is. Not everyone will have the same definition or experience of “trust” as you.  Talk with your partner about what you believe trust within a relationship is like.  Get their views.  See what is common and work towards that.  (You can’t achieve a goal unless you both know what it is.)

(5) Listen to your partner.  Don’t interrupt, don’t judge, and don’t tell them they’re wrong.  Try to see their perspective.  If you can’t listen, you can’t learn, and you definitely won’t be able to rebuild trust.

(6) Forgive your partner for the past.  Cheating, lies and conflict cause blame and guilt to develop.  Only after we can let go of these emotions, can we forgive our partner, and we can start to develop trust.

(7) Accept the role you have played.  It maybe that you’ve contributed to the trust breakdown.  Look at your own behaviours and communication to see if you 

have some responsibility in where the relationship is at 

the moment.

(8) Reflect on your own past experiences with broken trust.  Perhaps you have some pre-conceived ideas about how much you can trust in a relationship based on previous trust breakdowns.  If you’ve been cheated on, had childhood attachment issues, experienced abuse, or countless other situations where you were let down and hurt – acknowledge these, and see if they may be influencing the level of trust in your current relationship. 

(9)Don’t be controlling.  When trust is broken, it’s tempting to try to control our partner to ensure we don’t lose them completely.  This will only push your partner further away.  Instead, treat your partner as you expect to be treated.  Don’t make immature and selfish demands.  If you’re unhappy with something – share your feelings openly and talk it through, rather than making ultimatums.

(10) Address your own fears.  Feeling insecure in your relationship can fill you with anxiety.  You may have put a wall up to keep others out and not be hurt.  Explore why.

(11) Challenge your inner self talk.  If that voice inside has you thinking negatively about the relationship and your partner, explore the factual basis for such thoughts.  Your perspective may be askew.

(12) Learn about your own emotions.  As things come up for you, reflect on why you’re feeling the way you do.  If you’re triggered emotionally by something, explore why that might be happening.  A good way to do this is by writing daily in a journal.  It’s a helpful way to process your emotions and assist in dealing with them.

(13) Find the positives in your relationship.  Rather than only seeing what’s wrong and being negative about moving forward, be grateful for what IS working.  Acknowledge the great things about being together, your happy memories, and what you’re good at as a couple. This will help you change your mindset and make you more open to rebuilding trust.

(14) Examine your role models.  If you witnessed a lack of trust in your parent’s relationship, you could be duplicating this as it has formed part of your internal belief system.  You may have learnt that trust is not something present within a relationship.  Also look at your friends – do their relationships include trust and honesty?  If not, maybe you’re being influenced by this and not seeing trust as important.

(15) Work together on solving this problem.  Don’t come from opposing sides with different agendas.  You both need to focus on your shared goal and strive collaboratively to achieve it.

(16) Create space where necessary.  Rebuilding trust is about reconnecting emotionally with your partner.  But it’s natural to sometimes need time to ourselves.  Communicate to your partner what you need and make sure you give your partner the space they need to recharge and relax too.