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Do Cheating Partners Change?

Beverley Stewart • August 20, 2023

Do Cheating Partners Change?


Depends. Cheating can have devastating repercussions on a relationship. Often cheating will end the relationship because there is just no moving past it. Whether your partner will cheat again is the overwhelming question faced by those that have been betrayed, hurt, and left feeling confused and alone. Let’s look at the primary uncertainty felt by all – Do cheating partners change?

 

With all the hurt that’s felt, it’s understandably hard to think logically and with clarity about the situation. But that’s what needs to be done. To determine whether your cheating partner is capable of change, we’ll need to consider the reasons behind the cheating, and the reason the cheating ended. This will help us get a clearer picture of the likelihood of cheating reoccurring.



Why Did The Cheating Start?


To understand whether change is possible for your partner, we need to get an understanding of why they cheated in the first place. This will help to determine whether their behaviour was a once off, or something that will continue despite promises, good intentions and will power.

 

Statistics show that cheating happens. Research in 2020 showed that physical or emotional cheating occurs in approximately 70% of Australian marriages. Why is this such a high number when we have supposedly evolved into more emotionally intelligent, compassionate, caring and self-aware human beings?  Consider some of the following reasons which may be behind your partner’s cheating:

 

  •         Relationship dissatisfaction (unresolved relationship issues)
  •         Personal unhappiness (not relevant to relationship)
  •         Feeling insecure in the relationship (not feeling partner is committed to them)
  •         Feeling neglected/rejected by partner
  •         Boredom (desire for new experiences - physical and emotional, wanting more)
  •         Low self-esteem (infidelity helps build confidence and feel better about self, ego boost)
  •         Lack of physical intimacy within relationship
  •         Sex addiction (a compulsion - not a reflection on current relationship)
  •         Lack of emotional intimacy (feeling unable to be true self and be vulnerable with partner)
  •         To escape problems (avoidance of personal or relationship issues)
  •         Poor mental health (lack of self-control, attachment issues, depression, etc)
  •         Alcohol / drug use (tendency to indulge in risky behaviours, loss of self-control, etc)



Additionally, research has shown that there are also some risk factors that can add to the chances of a partner cheating. These might also be taken into account when considering why the cheating occurred. They are not reasons behind cheating, but can add to the circumstances in which it sometimes occurs.

 

  • Being aged 18-30 – eg. Ashley Madison (infidelity dating app) report that 65% of Australian signups are from those aged 18 to 39


  • Being male – in 2020 Australian research showed 60% of men and 45 % of women admitted to cheating within their marriage


  • Living in a city rather than rural location - more opportunities and less visibility




Why did the Cheating End?


The reason for the end to your partner’s betrayal is also very important to consider. Was it because your partner got found out?  Or because the cheating reached it’s natural conclusion?

 

If the cheating ended abruptly because it was discovered, it could mean your partner did not gain yet all that they wanted to from their affair. Your partner may still believe that the cheating was an effective strategy for dealing with whatever issues they were hoping to deal with by having a relationship with someone else. 

 

Alternately, if your partner ended the situation because it had reached a point where it was no longer meeting their needs, this could indicate that they no longer feel the need to seek emotional or physical intimacy with others. They may have achieved what they needed to through the experience.



Is Change Possible?


Science, history and self-assessment show us that human beings ARE capable of change.  We can change behaviour, thinking, emotions and our attitudes about people and life.  We can accomplish great feats, master new skills, develop physical proficiencies, and learn to be better people.  So of course, cheating partners can change.  The question is whether or not they have addressed their initial reason for cheating, and are able to learn from it.  Did they get whatever they needed from the cheating, or are they still seeking it?


Keep in mind - your partner didn’t necessarily look for another person.  They wanted to BE another person.  If your partner is still unhappy with who they are, they may continue to look outside your relationship for that magic pill – a person who will see them differently and make them feel differently about themselves.  If your partner can ask themselves who they became when they were with the other person, this can help them learn what is lacking in their life. To be blunt – this isn’t about YOU. It never was.

Moving Forward


There may be issues that can be resolved within your relationship that led to the cheating.  Or there may be personal issues that your partner needs to address before they are capable of being part of a committed and monogamous relationship.  Either way, you both need to be sure of where you want to be, who you want to be with, and where the future lies. It’s not about “saving” the relationship. It’s about “choosing” the relationship.  


Once the cheating has been acknowledged, to move forward you will have to explore together the reason(s) the cheating happened.  If may be possible for you both to take actions to negate these issues, but you firstly need to decide whether you are both willing to do that.  Without resolving the underlying issues, cheating will often reoccur. 


In The End


Sometimes, cheating ends a relationship. Other times, couples can repair the relationship and in fact make it stronger. The important thing is to consider the reasons the cheating happened, why it ended, and whether those underlying issues can be resolved. It’s a big job. Cheating partners can change, but you first have to change what's underneath.



To find out more about Relationship Counselling click here, or go to Contact Page to make an enquiry. 


You also might like to read: Is My Partner Cheating?  and What are the Signs of Cheating?


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